Monday, March 2, 2009

Conscious Abuse: A Relationship Handbook

Dear Friend, allow me to introduce the contents of my new book, "Conscious Abuse: A Relationship Handook."  With these revolutionary concepts, you can transform the troubled liaisons, failed marriages and botched affairs of your past into thrilling new experiences of passion! In the first chapter, "Permission to Hurl Invective", you will learn how to snipe, bitch, cut, denigrate, frustrate and humiliate your partner without a twinge of shame.  In the second chapter, "Rage Is The Hidden Face of Love", you will learn how to plumb the depths of anger towards any and all inadequate parents and to change that resentment into a fresh and invigorated libido. Chapters Three through Eight outline my techniques for exchanging psyches with your partner, emptying your minds of unconscious aggression, turning hostile "leakage" into constructive abuse, transforming passive-aggressive behaviour into genuine solicitous concern, and changing the whitholding of sex from a nasty weapon into a powerful aphrodisiac.  In the last chapter, "The Ultimate Erotic Experience", you will learn how to make that final leap, in the privacy of your hospital rooms, into deeply satisfying long intimate orgasmic sex.  I hope you read my book.  It is available at all gigantic bookstores in the Self-Help, Spirituality, Psychology, Medical and Auto Mechanics sections. 

Sincerely, Nixon Scratches, Curator of the Omygodyou'rekillingme Institute.