"This is completely crazy!" I shouted at my smartphone. I was on the verge of a panic attack. The
man at the other end, in his classic Mumbai accent, replied, "No no sir,
it is not crazy. Your computer is badly
infected. Do you see all these people
who are using your private information?"
He
pronounced Private with a "W".
Priwot.
My mouse
pointer moved while my hands rested in my lap. The Command Window opened and
showed an ominous list of white notations scrolling down the black
background. Mumbai Man had control of
my computer. I could see repeated iterations of the word "Trojan"
"See there," he said. "See, see? See how many!". I
had been fighting him for at least an hour and he was losing his
composure. I was stubbornly refusing to
capitulate. Is this what's called
Ransomware? So it seems. I couldn't get
rid of the guy. I couldn't regain control of my computer until I paid five
hundred dollars. Needless to say, I was
upset. And I brought it upon myself by
doing a stupid thing.
I had
already been softened up. A week ago
when I was online a demanding white pop-up window informed me that my computer
had contracted a virus. In order to fix
it I must call Microsoft at an 800 phone number. Riiight! And there are
elephants on the moon. The pop up wouldn't go away. No restart, no Task Manager, nothing. I shut down my computer by
pulling the plug. When I rebooted I got
on a treadmill of Windows fix-it bubbles that went nowhere.
After a
couple hours of futzing with various remedies, including a non-functioning backup program, I realized
that I had to reformat my computer. That was three days of work.
Everything
was fine after the reformat, my computer worked for a week. Then that same white pop up window appeared
and I knew I was in trouble. I didn't want to reformat again! Like an idiot I
called the phone number. Thus an ordeal
began that went on for hours. Mumbai
Man insisted that he represented Microsoft.
He gave me an I.D. number. He
gave me a phone number for...uh..Microsoft.
I got another phone and punched that number. At the first ring a man with a Mumbai accent answered. "Microsoft Customer Service" he
cheerfully announced.
The voice
of Mumbai Man #1 created a bizarre feedback loop because as he spoke to me on
MY phone, his voice sounded one desk removed on the phone that I had used to
call...er...Microsoft.. I went through
the motions, juggling two cell phones. I was assured by Mumbai Man #2 that
Mumbai Man #1 was a legitimate Microsoft employee. His name was...uh... Sam
Taylor. I wasn't buying it but I was losing my grip on reality. These guys were slick! They had an answer for everything. They
talked and talked and their reasoning was insane. Slowly they dragged me into
the upside-down world of internet thieves.
They could demonstrate to me how badly messed up was my computer. They told me that even if I bought a new
computer the same thing would happen because hackers lurked in my network. They told me that every computer I ever
bought from this day forward would be infected if I didn't pay five hundred
dollars.
"Sir,
why are you having a broblem with this?" asked..uh.. Sam Taylor, as if
this were a perfectly reasonable situation.
"A
broblem?" I shrieked. "A
broblem? Five hundred dollars and my
computer held hostage is a broblem!. I
can buy a new computer for five hundred dollars!"
"Oh,
but sir, the new computer will also have the same broblem if you do not take
care of this right away."
Listen, I
love the accent of Indians, be they from Mumbai, Kalikot or Kerala. I love the way they sound like they have
three marbles just inside their lower lip.
I have adored Indian culture my entire life. However these fellows conformed to a stereotype, this was
happening in the real world and in the real world most Americans expect their
tech support to speak with that lilting accent. Weirdly, it added a gloss of credibility to what was blatantly
incredible.
"I'm
sixty two years old," I told the thief.
"Does your mother know what you do for a living? That you rob old people on Social
Security?"
"Oh,
sir, you are a senior citizen? Let me
talk to my supervisor and see what I can do about getting a discount."
Hmmm hmmm
count to five. "Oh yes sir, my
supervisor tells me that we can make the rebairs for three hundred forty nine
dollars and ninety five cents."
I gave
in. I let them install their shit on my
computer. Their spyware, malware,
ransomware buggy shit on my computer. I gave them my credit card number. I still don't believe I did that. Sam Taylor had turned me over to Steve Smith
who worked in Billing, and Steve Smith had then given control of my computer to
Richie Logan. I watched my screen as program after program was installed,
operated, then uninstalled. It was
spooky! I was afraid to pull the plug
on the modem and shut them out. By this
time I didn't know what to believe and I had the futile hope that these guys
were actually fixing my computer.
My lovely
spouse had a terrible virus experience once and contacted a reputable repair
company who charged her a hundred dollars to remotely fix her computer. I phoned them while my computer chattered
away, rolling files across the monitor screen.
"Unplug
your modem right now!" This was the order from Jeffrey Everard in Austin,
Texas. He works for OneSupport. They handle situations such as the mess I
found myself in. I trust them. I think.
Jeffrey
worked for an hour on my computer and charged me a hundred bucks.
Barclay Bank shut down my credit card and promised to mail
me a new one with a new account number.
Mumbai Men had yet to run the charge and they were not going to get my
money. I called all my credit card
vendors. I called the bank.
This was a
horrible experience. Be careful. These crooks are skillful and incredibly
persistent. They are glib, slick and ruthless. They are from India, Ukraine,
Thailand, Poland, Belorus and the USA. They find your knowledge level with
regard to computers and they know how to convince you that they're not
lying. They twisted my head so badly
that I couldn't locate reality after spending a couple of hours in their
company. Did a little alarm go off at
Microsoft Headquarters notifying them that my computer was infected? I posed
this vision sarcastically and they said Yes that's exactly what happened!
I am now
afraid to do any browsing on my computer.
I'm afraid that any program I purchase to fight malware might be the
vehicle bringing malware to my computer.
I made a
mistake, a dumb mistake and it could have cost me much more. It will be a while before I can relax and
use my computer normally. If ever.
My hands
are still shaking.