Thursday, March 1, 2012

TOTAL CELL PHONE BAN COMING SOON!



         





August 1, 2014


        The proof is in, and scientists have concluded that cell phones do indeed cause brain damage. Governments worldwide have stepped up their efforts to recall wireless devices at specified collection points. 
                This is, of course, a disaster for the communications industry. Accusations of bad faith have been launched at the big companies. The congressional moratorium on lawsuits and refunds has caused riots in American cities.
            Media commercials for cell phones have completely stopped.  The vast airwave dead time will currently be filled with inspirational music by Yanni and Clannad.  
          The Corporations need new products and it needs them fast.  Marketing execs are working at top speed to fill the void.  The most promising ideas are coming from the automobile industry.  Vietnamese conglomerate NGUYENGIAP is preparing a sedan with a fifty two inch FlexVision LED.   The screen and speakers will be seamlessly integrated into the vehicle by expanding the windshield and using software and GPS systems to drive the car without the input of a human being.  A steering wheel can be engaged at speeds below 15 MPH. NGUYENGIAP's design team has apparently pulled off a brilliant coup and finally merged the auto and entertainment industries.

UPDATE: January 2016

            The degree of emotional  shock was not anticipated when consumers were separated from their cell phones.  The most common symptoms are anxiety, rage and feelings of powerlessness.  Therapists aren't doing well in helping millions of shaken souls. Consumers have been going into fugue states.  They look into empty space while their thumbs tremble with greater and greater agitation.  Pfizer Pharmaceuticals is testing a medication to reduce these symptoms.  Consumers are also being provided with dummy cell phones to alleviate the effects of what is now called "Texter Reflex Muscle Memory Syndrome". TRMMS.  Or just "Trims".
            The dummy phones are programmed with several hundred generic messages, such as "See you at home," "Tht ws wild lst nite", "Is he cute?", "Did U DO it?", "Gt any E?", "My parents will be gone tnt", "Did yr doc sign yr pot ticket?", and so forth. These messages are randomly scrambled and appear on the dummy phone screens to provide the illusion that consumers are connected to their friends.  Strangely enough, users of these phones forget this fact and believe nothing has changed, that they are using fully connected phones.  This is now called "Object Belief Dissonance," or OBD.  The therapy has had mixed results, but since the killing of Yanni and the disappearance of Clannad, Pfizer has been given the green light by the FDA to widely distribute the new medication.  It will be marketed under the name Gontwich CR.
           



The GIAP 300SLD hybrid vehicle has sold well.  Unfortunately, the glitches in the  auto-sensors and self-guidance software have  caused "mishaps".  Firmware updates have eliminated 88 percent of minor collisions and 76 percent of fatal head-ons.  Rival designs from BMW and Mercedes are appearing on the market as of this writing.  The Mercedes Double Decker Home Theater Hybrid boasts  a whopping  62 mpg. It also has Picture-In-Picture-In-Picture.  Sales have been good.  BMW has matched this success with its clever Mirror 32ESL.  The vehicle features advanced autopilots and software. There is also a choice between full autopilot and manual driving.  Many consumers enjoy the actual process of driving and guiding a vehicle.  BMW has catered to this market and relegates the Big Screen TV to a cleverly designed rear compartment.  There have  been fewer fatal incidents among drivers of the 32ESL. 
            PacBell and other utilities were hoping for a resurgence of conventional telephone usage.  Unfortunately, the outbreak of the stuttering epidemic has forced utilities to put telephone innovations on the back burner. 
           Such treatments as aversion therapy and immobilizing the thumbs with modified cuffs has only intensified the issue.  Parents of adolescents are still, as they say, "talking to empty space", but statistics indicate there has been a five percent rise in direct eye contact among members of nuclear families.
            Hope always burns high that there will be a return to ancient modes of inter-personal conversation.  Rumors are floating about that Mercedes is bringing back a vehicle with bullet-proof transparent polymer windows that open and close.  Mercedes clings to its vision of a future where people greet other people in vehicles or engage in curbside dialogue.
            All of this turmoil may be history when Nokia introduces the ZeroRad Mini-Phone that has been designed to operate without the use of the dangerous selenium diode and other circuits that ramped up microwave emissions to one thousand times the minimum non-lethal dosage.  
            Nokia employee Jorma Kikkinen, the "whistleblower" who broke the radiation scandal is still being sought by authorities but is feared to have met with foul play.



            

           


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