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Showing posts with label spirituality. Show all posts
Showing posts with label spirituality. Show all posts

Saturday, December 30, 2017

Does My Writing....Suck?






Maybe my writing sucks.  Maybe it's that simple.  Maybe my writing is trite and boring. I must pose this question if I'm to be rigorously honest: Am I that bad?  My books, are they not worth reading?  They don't sell.  Not even a little.  They just don't sell.  I did some marketing.  I won an award and a beautiful review from Writer's Digest. I was reviewed numerous times, and reader response glowed with love. It didn't help.

Has this huge effort been my escapist fantasy? 

I don't accept that idea.  But I wouldn't, would I?  Otherwise how did I put in the decades of practice, the repetition, the  rejection?  A compelling artist needs to work at the craft passionately and beyond reason.  A hundred drafts of one page? I've done that as a matter of routine.  I've  re-written each of my books five times, ten?  I've lost count.

This epic failure is a case of falling through the cracks.  I may be the Van Gogh of modern writers.  If you thirst for vivid emotion and wild color, it's there in my stories. The catalog of books on Amazon is bloated by a million titles.  Why should anyone pay three bucks to download a bit of my life's work?  How do I get the attention of readers, of my natural audience?

My books are wonderful books.  If you value originality, skill, vision and perception, you should read what I've written.  Read "Confessions Of An Honest Man". It's my autobiographical novel.   When my book placed in their competition, the editor from Writer's Digest wrote "I don't usually read this kind of book but I feel better for having read it. I will carry this novel with me for a long time."

Read any of my books. If you get bored, you're not my audience.  I write for artists, therapists and their clients, boomers who used acid, the curious, the addicted, the recovering, the failed, the intelligent and the sensitive ones...and I don't suck.  In my modest human way, I'm glorious.

"Confessions Of An Honest Man:" the link.   Confessions Of An Honest Man

Monday, October 20, 2014

How Do I Define My Work?




As I was setting up the pages for Tumblr, I was asked the following question in setting up my profile:
How Do You Define Your Work?

Holy Shirt!  What a question!  It caused me to pause....and pause...and in this manner some days went by...and I paused some more..  This is how I finally defined my work.




I work to express the beauty and majesty of the Universe.  I work to understand and to worship those Energies that are involved in its creation and continued existence.

I work to help those people who are involved in healing themselves from parental abuse, violence, ignorance or indifference.

I work to manifest images that evoke emotional truth and self-revelation. I work to revive atrophied faculties of mind and spirit that have been damaged by our culture.

I work to contribute my iota to the world of self-knowledge.


I write, play music and practice photography for people who want to be mirrored in their deepest selves, that they may better understand their confusions.


At the moment I can't bring any more cogent definition of my work that wouldn't involve writing fifty pages of boring junk.




Saturday, January 28, 2012

Prayer For 2012






ShoShow me the way, Lord.
I am always your student.
I am always in love with you.
I am always willing to change myself
to follow the deepest promptings
that you have planted in my heart.
Show me not the answer, 
show me the right questions
to ask. Show me what is right
and I will try as best I can
to do it. I will fail, often.
If I ask for something that does not help me, 
show me the error, and lead me to that
which helps me.
Show me how to love, Lord.
Many things pose as love; 
how do I sort my way through all the masks
that show themselves as love
that are not love.
Show me how to live my life.
I walk in a trance, 
I move without being awake
I act without a plan.
My head is fuzzy; my limbs do not respond well.
My walk is tilted.
I don’t know when I’m hungry.
I eat whenever my stomach hurts.
I breathe air that I have spoiled.
My spirit seems clogged. Though I want to fly
I have no wings.
Teach me how to recognize you, Lord.
help me listen
to know your voice
when I hear it.
A thousand teachings flood my senses 
until I am falling over the ropes of words
of those who claim to be wise.
Cloudy mysticism is everywhere: 
“we are all one, god is in all of us, 
listen to the silence within you, ”
so many messages that do not bear
on my experience of reality.
I only know what my day presents, 
nothing more. I can feel my fellow humans, 
their fears and their dreams.
I would serve and be served by them
if I had something real to give.
Show me what is real, Lord.
Show me a work that is generous and clean.
Show me how best to use my gifts, 
for you have given me so many, 
yet I squander them
and am left with a greed
that controls me.
Help me not to ask for help, Lord.
Or help me ask for help, 
for it is confusing to know what provides
dignity. Confusion is not dignity
unless you sanctify my confusion
as a worthy state. 
Show me what is possible, Lord.
I would love to believe that anything
is possible.
I need to have faith in Faith.
My senses tell me 
that nothing is fixed, that the earthly world
swirls like a fluid dream. I want to know
what is true, Lord.
If nothing is fixed, then nothing is impossible.
Show me how to master it, Lord.
At the depths of my heart, I long to master life.
I long to master awareness itself.
Show me my own mind, Lord.
I don’t know who else to ask, but You.
Everything is important, Lord.
Everything. Show me how to wear myself
in the best light. Show me grace, Lord, show me
all the things I have forgotten, all the things I knew
when I was young, whan I was a child, 
before I lost my courage, 
before I knew what courage is, 
before I cared whether I won or lost
or tied or died or lived well
or lost myself in dark valleys, 
before I learned to walk, 
before I learned to talk
before I learned to think.
Show me everything, Lord, 
show me all that I need
and all that I can handle
to create me as your heart’s desire.
Show me how to make your heart’s desire
my heart’s desire, 
that I may walk alongside you
secure in the knowing of you
as my friend and mentor.
Show me, Lord, show me, show me
I weep with desire, show me
reveal it to me though it be too bright
reveal it to me in the little bits that you deem right, 
any way you want to bring me into your heart, 
Lord, just show me. 











Saturday, January 1, 2011

Listen Carefully



Listen carefully.
If you have held a child in  your arms,
tenderly, warmly, feeling yourself flow
into your child, feeling yourself melt
into your child,
that is how you, too, are being held, always.
Your child also holds another child,
a future child who is eternally present,
in her arms.
And that child holds someone,
living, evolving, eternally present,
in his arms.
And what holds you in its arms
is being held by something greater,
warmly, tenderly, and that too
is being held by something greater still
in its arms, infinitely held, holding,
creating, soothing, caring.
Angels hold other angels
in their arms,
Buddhas care for their Bodhisattvas,
holding, tender,
nothing is alone,
no one is lost,
no death is unredeemed,
no tragedy is without triumph.
There is no suffering without a holding caring hand
of empathy and love.
Listen carefully.

Friday, September 24, 2010

Just When You've Given Up




     The images you see above represent a genuine, honest to god miracle.  Let me explain.  The first photo shows a patch of roof rot.  This rot has been letting drips of water into the interior of our RV.  We live in this RV.  We love it, we love the RV lifestyle, we love our home (which is named Raven).
     Three years ago we hired a man to repair this leak, and he spent a day atop Raven, caulking this, sealing that, fixing our problem.  So we thought. We paid the man nine hundred dollars for his work.  We were a bit shocked at this figure but we had no choice.  That was the bill.  There were materials to be paid for, there was
his hourly labor rate, etc, etc.
      We lived in all innocence for two years, feeling secure, feeling that we had no leaks, that our roof was solid to the elements.  A roof leak in an RV can be the worst sort of disaster.  It can quickly destroy an RV.  One day you're living or traveling happily in a vehicle that might have cost a lot of money.  If a leak spreads under a roof's rubber top layer, the rot can eat away at the roof like a termite colony.
     Last winter we had very intense rains.  One day in February I was doing some exercises on the floor in
our front room.  I was on my back looking up at the ceiling and I realized that there was a grotesque stain
about two feet square just above the driver's seat.  Its irregular shape was a much broader pattern than
the initial stain that had alerted me to the leak three years ago.
     The "RV tech" who had repaired our leak three years ago had not done a good job.  He had spread
some sealant, cut as many corners as possible and took our money.  Now I was staring up at disaster.
I climbed atop our valiant motor coach and inspected the afflicted area.  I crawled on my knees feeling
the roof with my fingers.  There was good solid normal RV roof on the right side.  But on the left side,
just above the driver's seat, the solid roof changed to a spongy expanse.  It was soft and mushy, it was big,
and my heart plunged to my ankles.  I knew I was contemplating a stark choice.  Repair the roof or lose the RV.
     Roof repairs are notoriously expensive.  RV roofs have their unique requirements.  An
RV roof needs to be flexible because it covers a vehicle that sways and bumps and bounces.  RV roofs
require special materials.  The roof on a motor coach is like a layer cake.  The layers include plywood,
three kinds of rubber sealant, aluminum struts, special flashing and stuff with names like "contoured seam tape".  All this stuff is held in place by aluminum molding which is screwed down by self tapping screws.
       My wife and I couldn't begin to afford the repair of this roof.  Estimates ran from two to three thousand.  There was no way we had that kind of money.  I felt like I was beating my head against a wall for eight months.  Every other kind of life problem dropped on me at the same time.  I won't delineate.  You know the drill, you've all been there.
     The rains seemed to want to come early this year.  By October it would be too late.
     I took to praying to The Grandmothers.  These are deities to whom I was introduced by my wife.  My wife was introduced to The Grandmothers by our friend, whom I will call The Sage.
     Who is more comforting than a grandmother?  Who has more wisdom than The Elders of the tribe of humanity?  Why not, I thought, pray to The Grandmothers? As a child I adored my father's mother.  I imagined her loving face in the circle of all the other Grandmothers when I prayed.
     My prayer took the form of song.  Every morning I did my exercises and finished them with my prayers to The Grandmothers.  "Oh Grandmothers," I sang, "thank you for the many blessings you have bestowed upon my family.  Grandmothers, we are in trouble now.  It may not be the biggest trouble in the world, but it is OUR trouble.  The frustration I feel as a man is like a searing flame in my heart.  I want to provide for my family, o Grandmothers, and I am failing.  I have tried so many ways to improve our lot but none have borne fruit.  I have so many gifts, Grandmothers, and I do my best to bestow beauty upon the world.  But I cannot eat my art, I cannot turn poems into five gallon cans of rubber sealant, I cannot transform my unread
books into honest and skilled workers who know how to repair RVs.  Please help us, Grandmothers, for
we have done no harm and given many blessings to many people."
     I felt a deep and gentle joy in singing these songs.  There I was, before anyone else had woken, quietly shaking a rattle and singing to invisible spirits about such mundane but important things.  I was asking for survival. I was asking to be freed from terrible fear.
     Last week, as the world seemed to be disintegrating, there was a sudden whooshing sound inside my head.  I could feel forces coming together like pieces of a puzzle.  We have friends in this
campground with RV repair skills.  A gift of funds came from The Sage. Suddenly, in a matter of days, the angel whose photo you see above was working on our roof.  She needed work.  We needed her skills.  There was just enough money to buy all the five gallon drums of rubber sealant and weatherproofing, all the contour tape and flashing.
     Woman Who Fixes Things had helped me before.  She would have helped me without pay, but I paid her what I could afford.  Now I needed Woman Who Fixes Things for a big big job.  Woman Who Fixes Things is a very special person.  When she does a job she draws upon a deep reservoir of integrity.  She does the very best work of which she is capable.  Always.  She is an angel.
     Tomorrow our roof will be repaired, finished, sealed against all elements for many years.  Woman Who Fixes Things and her friend Woman With Beautiful Voice have worked in searing heat on a burning roof.
They didn't complain.  They sang and laughed.
   The Sage provided the fuel.  The angels of work provided the skills.  I provided the prayers.  My wife
provided for all of us, our human friends, our animal friends, she gave us cool water to slake our thirst.
She gave medicine to Little Bear and Gabriel Kuruk and they recovered, as if to say, "Look, the sickness has gone, healing is here, on all levels at once."
     I thank you Sage, I thank you Woman Who Fixes Things, I thank you Woman With Beautiful Voice, I thank you my wife, The Fox, who prays on slabs of rock with her beautiful drum. And I thank you o so deeply, Grandmothers.
     I call this a Miracle.







 

Monday, August 23, 2010

Prayer From The Heart





Show me the way, Lord.
I am always your student.
I am always in love with you.
I will change myself
to follow the deepest promptings
that you have planted in my heart.
Show me not the answer,
show me the right questions
to ask.  Show me what is right
and I will do it.
I will fail, often.
If I ask for something that does not help me,
show me the error, and lead me to that
which helps me.
Show me how to love, Lord.
Many things pose as love;
how do I sort my way through all the masks
that show themselves as love
that are not love.
Show me how to live my life.
I walk in a trance,
I move without being awake
I act without a plan.
My head is fuzzy; my limbs do not respond well.
My walk is tilted.
I don’t know when I’m hungry.
I eat whenever my stomach hurts.
I breathe air that I have spoiled.
My spirit seems clogged. Though I want to fly
I have no wings.
Help me to listen
to know your voice
when I hear it.
A thousand teachings flood my senses
until I am falling over the ropes of words
of those who claim to be wise.
Cloudy mysticism is everywhere:
“we are all one, god is in all of us,
listen to the silence within you,”
so many messages that do not bear
on my experience of reality.
I only know what my day presents,
nothing more.  I can feel my fellow humans,
their fears and their dreams.
I would serve and be served by them
if I had something real to give.
Show me what is real, Lord.
Show me a work that is generous and clean.
Show me how to use my gifts,
for you have given me so many,
yet I squander them
and am left with a greed
that controls me.
Show me what is possible, Lord.
I would love to believe that anything
is possible.
I need to have faith in Faith.
My senses tell me
that nothing is fixed, that the earthly world
swirls like a fluid dream. I want to know
what is true, Lord.
If nothing is fixed, then nothing is impossible.
Show me how to master it, Lord.
At the depths of my heart, I long to master life.
I long to master awareness itself.
Show me my own mind, Lord.
I don’t know who else to ask, but You.
Show me how to wear myself
in the best light.  Show me grace, Lord, show me
all the things I have forgotten, all the things I knew
when I was a child,
before I lost my courage,
before I cared whether I won or lost
or tied or died or lived well
or lost myself in dark valleys,
before I learned to walk,
before I learned to talk
before I learned to think.
Show me everything, Lord,
show me all that I need
and all that I can handle
to create me as your heart’s desire.
Show me how to make your heart’s desire
my heart’s desire,
that I may walk alongside you
secure in the knowing of you
as my friend and mentor.
Show me, Lord, show me.
I weep with desire, show me
reveal it to me though it be too bright
reveal it to me in the little bits that you deem right,
any way you want to bring me into your heart,
Lord, just show me.









Sunday, July 11, 2010

I'm Giving Away Prints!







I believe in my writing. I think there's something special about it, but every writer must believe that, or it would be impossible to go on writing.  Writing is both a brutal and wonderful calling.  The main problem is to attract readers, to persuade people that something really beautiful is going on here.  My poems have popped out in minutes, while my books have taken years, sometimes decades to write.  I feel an equal passion for both the short easy ones and the long works that have been like wrestling alligators.  I love the challenge of writing novels.

I don't wear a religion or spirituality on my sleeve.  I like to be more devioius, I like to be both sacred and profane. I am in what is loosely called the Spirit-Mind-Body culture.  I've put in many years of practice and study. My innate modesty prevents me from boasting of my sublime spiritual achievements.  I am adored by my partner and several dogs and cats.  Now I need fans of my writing.  I am irreverent. I have opinions about gurus, life-coaches, the whole "make your dream come true" philosophy.
We should all go for our dreams, but sometimes one can dream the wrong dream, and achieving it can be a disaster.

Here's the deal.  Sign up as a follower of this blog.  Leave a few comments, or show me that
you're sincere.  I will send you an 8X11 print of your choice from the galleries here or my website
at www.artsdigitalphoto.com. Get really involved and I'll make it a 12X18.  That's some serious print.

 I write on photography for Shutterbug Magazine and have two covers to my credit.. I've won a United Nations award for environmental photography.  I'm especially fond of night shots, of the beautiful sky.  I've been selling my prints for ten years  Now my writing is gaining momentum.  A few years ago I sold a science fiction story to Playboy, and it won an award.  Now my book, AVOIDING THE POTHOLES: ROAD STORIES OF A CHANGING AMERICA is being requested by agents.

Contact me at artsdigiphoto@gmail.com or through the blog and we'll talk about what print you want.

Leave comments.  Enjoy.

Art

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

A Worthy Destination





A Worthy Destination
Jan 28, 2003
revised Feb 15, 2010




I haven’t found peace.
I don’t own peace,
rent peace,
buy or sell peace,
though I do encounter peace
from time to time.
Peace is like a friend
who comes for a surprise visit.
As my life takes on a shape
in which peace feels comfortable
I see peace more often.
Peace is not easily found in this world.
Peace comes like an accident,
a good mishap.
Peace lands in my heart like
a bird that’s raised its young
and is looking for a new place to nest.
I thought I would know peace by now,
but it’s taking longer than I expected.
The biggest problem is my mind.
It’s like a bag turned inside out, its contents
are the world, spilled and crazy.
Peace is not comfortable
in the world. When I’m with peace, I feel as though I’ve brought a guest
to the kind of party
that’s broken up by the cops after midnight.
I need to make peace more welcome here.
I should send peace an invitation, find a good solid tree
where peace can perch and sing
before taking flight
to a more worthy destination.

Monday, October 19, 2009

Breath



Your breath has a shape
unique
like a fingerprint
no two alike
in all the world.
Everything about you
is found in your breath
all your lives
and deaths,
all your thoughts.
Think of your body
as gone,
only breath remains
it has an in stop
and an out stop
and contains so much more
than air.
If we could know one another
by our breaths
if we could see the human crowd
as a throng of breaths,
nothing else,
hello jagged anxious breath
how are you
hello smooth relaxed breath
nice to see you
the human race is
a breath collective
today some will arrive
today some will depart
lungs are merely homes
like hands fill gloves
everything sacred, every dark secret
lives in the breath
and when it leaves your body
it is a system of information
like a letter full of you,
air mail, breath mail.
I would tell you more of this
if I knew any more
but this is as far as I’ve got
in learning the nature of breath.

Saturday, September 5, 2009

On Not Pursuing Happiness




On Not Pursuing Happiness


If happiness is your goal,
you have come to the wrong planet.
Go back to God and ask him
for a transfer. I’m sure
there are places where happiness
is a basic condition,
but it is not here.
It is good to fit the goals
to the environment.
When King Solomon asked for an understanding heart
he was thinking of the people he ruled,
the people he judged, day by day.
He did not ask for happiness.
This is not to say that there is no happiness
here on earth. There is. But it comes
unbidden, it cannot be striven for,
it is a byproduct of other quests.
Ask then for something that serves the spirit.
At the right time, happiness soothes the spirit.
At the wrong time, happiness deludes the spirit.
Wanting to be happy, expecting to be happy,
being disappointed when you are unhappy,
all these things are small change,
a leaf held against the sky during an eclipse,
a tiny sun-silhouette, nothing more.
I’m sounding like a sermon, I know.
I woke up this morning feeling terrible.
I am blessed. There is much happiness in my life.
Feeling terrible reminded me that feeling terrible
can open many doors.

Saturday, April 18, 2009

Prophet

Oh lord, oh lord,
what has befallen me?
That which I hoped to make straight
only becomes more twisted.
That which should be understood
only becomes more strange.
How did I come to this unexpected shore?
And what am I to make of the walking wreck of myself?
It is a mixed gift, this life, it is hard
to feel so completely lost
in complexity not of my making.
I wanted to be a radiance
but I am more like a garbage can
tipped by a racoon in predawn hours.
I pick myself up,
I sweep my contents
into a tidy pile,
but each time I think to rest,
I am again overturned.
I speak to you, o lord,
like the wounded Jew,
like the baffled bloodied prophet,
like the broken fated sage.
I take help from any quarter,
even those with dangerous denizens.
I take comfort with the scorpion,
I sleep with diseases,
I mark my worth with the vague knowledge
that I am somehow loved.
Still I marvel and lament
at my scattered state,
at my continued surprise that I am alive,
that I move my limbs with some dim purpose,
that I have any faculty left to cry out to you.
Oh lord, what has befallen me?
You see, I have nothing but questions.
It could be much worse, I freely admit.
It could be much better,
I ruefully entreat.
Pieces of me have gone numb.
Whole continents of my psyche have been submerged,
drowned, forgotten.
I am the world I have made.
I am a man, dreadfully incomplete,
unwilling to meet the terror,
reluctant to behold the fire,
shrinking always from the worst case,
taking the hand of any wiser being,
like a lost child who needs to be led,
anywhere, as long as it seems to be
a worthy destination.
I shall try now, lord, to snatch a bit of sleep
from the bottom of the night’s cup.
I’m glad we had this little talk.
I thank you, uncomfortably,
like one who has opened the wrong gift
at the wrong party.
Oh, is this for ME?
I’m not quite sure it fits,
I’m not sure how to use it.
I’ve broken it a little
but it still works.  See?
I’ve tried, I’ve hopped on one foot,
I’ve danced insanely.
I’m still here,
waiting for your soft voice
to bring me peace.














Friday, April 10, 2009

Seeing Is Believing


            A blinded soul
is a stubborn thing.
It must be ground and battered,
shocked, in the hope that one day
it will remember how to see.
A soul can be so stubborn, it keeps its eyelids
tightly shut, until it must be thrown
into the furnace of stars, and exhaled
into the loneliness of space.
A soul can be so blind that it must be exiled
time and again, into bodies that are afflicted
with warts, boils and tumors.
Wake up, wake up!
Its eyes stubbornly clamped,
a soul will inherit careless mothers and cruel fathers,
like cold water in the face,
that it may through pure reflex
open its eyes, and see on the horizon
a glimpse of the home
from which all souls come,
to which they will, some day, return.
A stubborn thing is a blinded soul.
It has no memory of its memory.
It does not know
of the domain of seeing souls
who grieve for their lost brethren.
Won't you see, won't you remember?
they cry.  To the blind
it is a faint and distant sound
drowned by the thunder
of clenched and blaming hearts.
Here it is, here it is!
Just open your eyes, just remember.
The glue that holds shut
the eyelids of your sightless soul
can be dissolved
by the tears of your long, sad sleep.
           




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