Search

Wednesday, February 27, 2013

I Surrender! A Capitulation To The Internet




I Surrender


            I surrender.  I raise my hands, throw down my weapons and kneel before the Internet.  I am now its prisoner, I am now its slave.  I let my attention wander, and before it returned (it was a ten second daydream), the Net had morphed into a new paradigm, had spawned a thousand new concepts.  In order to be computer literate, I must understand and master each of these thousand new concepts.  I give up.  I don’t have the time.  I don’t have the speed.
            Around the time Twitter arrived, my grip began to slip. 
            Twitter:  what the fuck is this?  Oh, I get it.  A giant global billboard.  Every person living must now BE a brand, and Twitter is the brand name town crier. Twitter itself generates a thousand spin-offs, becomes an industry.
            “I’m selling new software called Twitterbee to get you thousands of followers on Twitter!  Be in everyone’s face, all the time! Twitterbee.  Subscriptions begin at $4.50 a month.”
            Facebook.  I’m really lost with Facebook.  The word “friend” meant something in the past, it was a powerful concept.  It, the word “friend”, has become utterly devalued.  A friend is now someone who has permission to get in your face who has given you permission to get in his or her face.  What can we do with all these friends?
            It’s obvious!  Sell our Brand!
            Let me see, just what is my Brand?  What am I selling?  I’m an artist, a photographer, musician and writer.  That’s what I sell.  What do I call myself?
I know!  I’ll call myself AARTT!
I sell entertainment with a sideline in Insight.  It isn’t AARTT if it doesn’t have insight.  You’ll learn stuff when you consume my work.
            Among the things you will learn are the following:
How to tolerate yourself.  You are convinced that your flaws are so grotesque that no one will ever love you and you want to puke every time you look in the mirror.
            I can show you how to tolerate yourself.  I can teach you how to look in the mirror and say “hi there” and move on.  You just aren’t important enough to make yourself puke. Also, you're not alone.  Everyone feels this way at some point in a life.
            I can show you how to believe in God without being a fool.  Now that is hella useful.  Everyone needs to believe in something but that need is either repressed by your own subculture or it’s converted into a simpering set of clichés that are not worthy of you. 
            I can make you laugh.  Really, give me a few minutes, I’m just warming up.  Look at yourself!  Look at all the drama you’ve created.  How can you take yourself seriously?  Stop trying. What a Schlemiel, what a Megilla!
            This is my super-secret mantra and tantric yoga procedure for curing negative thinking.  Step one,
take your left hand and put it to your forehead with the palm facing outward.   Tilt your head slightly to the
left.  Make it look dramatic.  Now, in your most self-pitying voice, cry out, "Oy Veyzmir!  Oy Veyzmir!"
(For the goyim:  It's simple.  Oy vay z'meer).  The cry must begin on a mid-tone note and rise half
an octave higher with a strong accent on the final syllable. You MUST repeat this procedure at least eight times, closing your eyes  half way and letting your body droop.  Don't worry about getting the notes right, so long as you sound sufficiently self-pitying. If you fail to reach eight repetitions I am not responsible for potent side effects such as warts and a pungent odor of gefilte fish rising from your body.


            So come on, folks, step right up, buy some AARTT.  Oops, I have to get on Twitter, Facebook, Crazenook, Struttmutt, Hurdlelnurdle, Flank, Bubgut and all those other internet gizmos to sell my Brand.  And I’ve surrendered.  I surrendered in the first sentence.
            I think I’m fucked but I’ll figure out something. A podcast, a webinar...something.

7 comments:

  1. It's going to be finish of mine day, but before end I am reading this enormous article to improve my know-how.

    Here is my page :: waynesville attorney

    ReplyDelete
  2. I think I should have my blog translated into Chinese. Just to have A comment I've allowed mr. attorney to practice his/her skills below this erudite and amusing essay about the stresses of social media.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Ηi! This ρost cοuld not bе written any bеtteг!

    Reаԁіng through this poѕt гeminds me
    of mу previous room mate! He always kept talκіng about this.

    I will forwаrd this artісlе to him.
    Pretty sure he will have а good read. Τhanks for sharing!


    Look іntо my blog post :: Secretѕ Of Ρizza Making ()

    ReplyDelete
  4. It іs іn reаlity а great аnd useful piece of info.

    I am satisfіed that you shareԁ this helpful information wіth us.
    Pleasе stay uѕ up to date lіke this.
    Thanks for shaгing.

    Mу blog post; reviews on Text the romance back

    ReplyDelete
  5. An іmpressivе share! ӏ have ϳust foгwarded this onto
    a сo-wοrkеr who had beеn doing a littlе homework on this.
    And he actually bоught mе ԁinner due to the fact thаt ӏ ԁіscovereԁ it for
    him... lol. So allοw me to reword this.... Thanκ YOU fοr thе meal!

    ! But yеah, thаnx for spendіng time tο talk about this subject here οn your web page.


    Hаve a look at my web-sіte; Capture His Heart Again Capture Him Michael Fiore Capture His Heart Again How To Capture Him

    ReplyDelete
  6. Did you actually read this post? Whenever I see an Anonymous it's generally an effort to promote a product by trolling blog posts with key words. That doesn't seem like a very efficient method of advertising. If I'm wrong, forgive me. I hope your lunch was delicious.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Hey! Do you know if they make any plugins to help with Search Engine Optimization? I'm trying to
    get my blog to rank for some targeted keywords but I'm not seeing very
    good gains. If you know of any please share. Kudos!

    Here is my blog post :: best dating sites

    ReplyDelete

If you have enjoyed any of my work, please leave a short comment. It may not appear immediately because it comes to me first for moderation. I get a lot of spam. Your comments help raise my spirits and support my belief that someone cares enough to say so.

Featured Post

Bankruptcy Blues (from The Road Has Eyes)

Bankruptcy Blues             One morning I woke up, did some simple addition and concluded that I was thirty seven thousand dollars...