Monday, September 13, 2010

Going Bald For Judaism




Reports from the battle front are streaming in.  The Ambassador to my Forehead says that another six hundred forty four hair follicles died this morning in premeditated hormone attacks.  By some strange coincidence this number is exactly the number of Talmudic laws that an Orthodox Jew is required to observe in order to achieve complete righteousoness.  There are, however, another fifteen thousand three hundred seventy laws scattered throughout the Mishna and Talmud that a good Jew must obey to have his name inscribed in the Book of Judgment.  It should take me about year or so to achieve the death of that many hair follicles. 

I will make a bargain with God:  I will trade every dead hair follicle for one obscure Talmudic law.  Each moribund follicle will equal the observation of one recondite Jewish commandment.  Therefore, my incipient baldness will equate with total salvation.  This salvation will require no moral efforts, no eating of Kosher food, no prayer before tying my shoes or blowing my nose , no ruthless self evaluation, no de-cluttering of my apartment, no financial and fiscal awareness, no meditation, no long sweaty hikes uphill, nothing else will be required of me for the rest of my life other than going quite bald. 
Seems fair enough to me. 

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