Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Conscious Abuse: A Relationship Handbook

Dear Friend,  allow me to take this opportunity to introduce you to the contents of my new book, "Conscious Abuse: A Relationship Handbook". With these revolutionary concepts, you can transform the failed marriages and botched affairs of your past into thrilling new experiences of passion! In the first chapter, "Permission to Hurl Invective", you will learn how to snipe, bitch, cut, denigrate, frustrate and humiliate your partner without a twinge of shame. In the second chapter, "Rage is the Hidden Face of Love",  you will learn how to plumb the depths of your anger toward any and all inadequate parents.  Soon you will  change that resentment into a refreshed and invigorated libido.  Chapters three through eight outline my techniques for exchanging psyches with your partner. You will learn how to empty your mind of unconscious aggression and turn hostile "leakage" into constructive abuse. Wouldn't it be wonderful to transform passive-aggressive behaviour into genuine solicitous concern? Imagine the thrill when you change the withholding of sex from a nasty weapon into a powerful aphrodisiac! In the last chapter, "The Ultimate Sexual Experience", you will learn how to make that final leap, in the privacy of your hospital rooms, to deeply satisfying, long, intimate sex.  I hope you read my book.  It is available at all gigantic bookstores in the Self-help, Spirituality, Psychology, Sexuality, Medical and Auto Mechanics sections.

Sincerely, Nixon Scratches, Curator of the Omygod You're Killing Me Institute.

Poem For Being Jewish

The sarcasm adds the finishing touch to what I find an ineffably Jewish poem.  Others may not think so. Zugnicht!

So you fight.
So you are wounded and sometimes broken.
You will either suffer and die,
or you will recover.
More often than not, you will survive,
even though you think you’ve been broken forever.
So big deal.

Cosmology Update!

December 22, 2010

            Scientists at the Space Science Institute have issued a revolutionary update of the Big Bang Theory.  The explosion of the universe from an infinitely dense singularity and its subsequent expansion have now been drastically re-examined, following measurements of the velocity and distribution of so called Dark Matter. It has been experimentally proven that this matter, and other forms of matter such as Baryons, Gluons, Muons, and Schmuons are actually being recycled, and that the known universe is a Big Bag, being filled by Bag Ladies from the Eleventh Dimension.  These beings live in time and size scales incomprehensible to normal human thought.  It is speculated they they use promordial galaxies and quasars as cast-off brassieres, bunny slippers and hair nets. These Bag Lady Beings have been referred to in Hindu Cosmology, somewhat romantically, as Devas, and in Christian theology as Archangels.  But the Yiddish terms, Schlepper, or Shmatta, might in fact be more accurate